I looked at my own cervix.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
