i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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