my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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