my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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