Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Drake has all the answers
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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