There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
