Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you didnt know i had herpes?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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