I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
