The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??