I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
