Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....