I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?