I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.