He uses pillows to masturbate.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
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I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.