Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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