In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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