There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
