She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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