Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
