new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
