Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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