I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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