just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
