I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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