I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
