Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
