worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
