At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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