Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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