The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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