What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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