The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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