sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
