I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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