I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
