You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Randomize
