Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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