so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
