Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
