Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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