for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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