how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
