We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
