is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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