he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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