God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
