he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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