Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
