I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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