My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
