My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
