Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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