apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
