An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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