I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
