i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
