Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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