I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
