I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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