Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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