you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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