Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
