sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
